Princess Zoro and the Four Emperors
by OwlBound
Summary: Princess Zoro's stepmother King Nami sends Sanji the chef/huntsman to kill him, but Zoro escapes and goes to live with the 4 emperors A retelling of Snow White and the 7 dwarves. AU.
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. His name was Zoro. Yes, the princess was a guy, deal with it. Princess Zoro lived with his father, Queen Luffy and his evil step-mother, King Nami. Now, Princess Zoro had _the _most silky smooth hair in all existence. Sure, it was green, but it was just _soo_ soft. King Nami was very jealous of her stepson's _incredibly _silky smooth hair. Really, the only reason she hadn't had the princess killed was that her magical talking mirror, Usopp, was always telling her she had the silkiest hair in the kingdom.

"**HEY YOU, MIRROR!"** She would yell, pointing at the trembling looking glass "**WHO HAS THE MOST SILKY SMOOTH HAIR IN THE WHOLE KINGDOM, ME OR THAT STUPID MARIMO?"** Usopp would always stutter in reply

"W-W-Why y-y-y-you of c-c-course, m-my Q-queen, y-you of course h-h-have the m-m-most s-silky s-smooth h-h-hair in th-the k-kingdom, m-m-m-much s-softer th-than p-p-princess Zoro's, or m-m-my n-name is-isn't the g-g-great ca-ca-captain U-usopp"

This always satisfied the King, until one day Queen Luffy pointed out that the mirror was not named "The Great Captain Usopp" After that, well, let's just say that King Nami was in for about seven year's bad luck. Yes, that means that she broke Usopp, now shush, I'm trying to tell a story here

So, King Nami then summoned her chef/huntsman Sanji.

"QUEEN NAMI-SWAN!" He crooned, wiggling like a piece of wet spaghetti, "What to want me to do, my most beautiful, magnificent, lovely, divine-"

"Go kill Princess Zoro!" she said "And make sure that he's dead! Or else I'll throw you to the okamas!"Sanji blanched at the thought of being thrown to the _Okamas,_ but quickly returned to swooning over his queen.

"YES NAMI-SWAN! I'll get rid of the shitty marimo, and then Nami-swan will have the softest hair in the whole Kingdom!"

{-}

Princess Zoro was practicing his sword-fighting skills. No, he did not have tea parties, he was a MAN. So, anyways, Zoro was practicing his sword-fighting skills when Sanji told him they were going to go into the woods.

"No ero-cook" Princess Zoro took the sword out of his mouth. The reason he had a sword in his mouth was that he fought with 3 swords, and he could only hold one in each hand, now shut up or I'll stop telling you the story!

Zoro and Sanji then had a fight, because Sanji did not like being called ero-cook. It wasn't a serious fight though, because they were friends and insulted each other all the time. Then they went for a walk in the woods.

Sanji leaned against a tree and took out a cigarette. "Hey, shitty marimo, you're gonna have to leave the kingdom." He lit the cigarette and took a long drag.

"What?"

"Well, Nami-swan wants to have the silkiest smooth hair in the entire kingdom, so you're gonna have to leave."

"Like hell I'm going to leave just cause I have nicer hair!"

"She told me to kill you, and that's what I'll do if you don't leave, you marimo bastard!"

An evil glint entered zoro's eyes as he tied his black bandana around his head.

"Good luck with that."

Then they began to fight. Zoro pwned Sanji, obviously. What do you mean you want me to describe the battle! I don't wanna! No more story for you, you obviously can't appreciate it!

**A/N Is it funny? Review, and tell me what you think! Pretty, pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top, please review! **


	2. Chapter 2

Fine, fine I'll keep telling you the story.

So, Princess Zoro pwned Sanji in a fight. Now, before I tell you what happens next there's something I have to tell you about Princess Zoro. He has _the_ worst sense of direction _**ever**_. Really, he couldn't find his way out of a paper bag.

"The castle is . . . This way!" He said, going in the exact opposite direction of where he'd come from. He walked for several hours.

"Damnnit," He grumbled, "Why does the castle have to get lost every time I leave?" So he kept walking, and eventually stumbled on a HUGE Pirate ship. And this ship had four flags. I don't feel like describing them, so I won't. And, even though it's generally a bad idea to go exploring on a pirate ship without permission, Zoro climbed on board and went looking for some sake, because wandering about for hours had made him thirsty. What do you mean princesses only drink tea? Where did you get _that_ idea?

"HEY! That's MY sake!" Someone had caught Zoro wandering about and drinking sake, and that someone was not pleased. So they had an epic sword fight. Zoro was pwned, even though the red-headed someone only had one arm. And was pretty drunk.

"What're ya doing in here stealing my sake!" The man yelled at Zoro, even though Zoro was unconscious. "HEY WHITEBEARD!"

At the red-head's shout an abnormally large man with a mustache with like a large white banana appeared. No, he didn't have a beard, just a mustache. Well, I guess his name is Whitebeard because Whitemustache is be a really dumb name

"What is it _now_ Shanks?"

"It's an intruder! With- OH MY ODA IT HAS GREEN HAIR!"

"Yes Shanks, he has green hair. You didn't kill him did you?" Shanks was too busy freaking out at the emerald shade of Princess Zoro's hair to answer.

{-}

When Zoro woke up, Whitebeard and Shanks were staring at him. Well, actually they were staring at his hair. Yeah, it's rude to stare but these guys were pirates so it's okay for them to be rude, now stop interrupting me.

"Who the hell are you?"

"WE," Shanks said, striking a dramatic pose, " ARE THE YONKO!" Zoro stared at him for a few moments.

"Is he drunk?"

"He's always drunk young man. Drunk, or hung over. Now who are you?"

"My name is Zoro. Princess Zoro." When Shanks heard that he snapped out of his pose and scurried over to Zoro.

"Does that mean that you're Queen Luffy's son?"

" Well, yea- AHH! LEGGO!" As soon as Zoro had answered positively, Shanks had grabbed him and given him a chokehold hug. A chokehold hug is when you throw your arms around a person's neck like your giving them a hug, and you squeeze. I wouldn't suggest giving anyone one, they're usually considered assault.

"SQUEE! I like you now! Luffy's my buddy!" He released Zoro from the hug, as he was beginning to turn blue. "I gave him his straw crown you know!"

"Yeah," Zoro was gasping for breath, "he's always talking about you." Shanks slung his arm over Zoro's shoulder.

"So, Whadd'ya doing here?"

"My step-mother Nami is a real bitch and wants to have the silkiest smooth hair in the entire kingdom . . . "

{-}

". . . And that's the end. Hey, where did you get popcorn?" Shanks had been listening with rapt attention while gobbling a large bowlful of popcorn.

"Whitebeard got it for me. Can I touch your hair?"

"NO."

"Why not?" Shanks whined.

"Because that would be creepy. And you know how you said you were the Yonko? Doesn't that mean there's supposed to be _four_ of you?"

"There are four of us! There's me, and the old man, and Big Mom's probably in the kitchen stuffing herself silly, and Kaidou's off sulking because he hasn't been in the ma-"

"SHHH! YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!" Zoro and Whitebeard yelled at him in unison.

"Sorry. And Zoro since Nami wants to kill you, you can stay here~!"

"Are you sure that is wise? It is said King Nami is a witch with the power of nature on her side."

"Whitebeard! You'd cast your grandson into the cold cruel world! That's shameful!"

"?" Zoro and Whitebeard were staring in confusion at Shanks.

"Ace is your son, and he's Luffy's brother, and Zoro is Luffy's son, so that makes him your grandson!" Whitebeard thought for a minute.

"THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!" He gave Zoro a bone-crushing hug. "I've always wanted grandchildren! You must stay!"

**A/N: Chapter done! I hope you liked it, and please review and tell me what you think! PS: I do not own One Piece : (**


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own One Piece.**

Princess Zoro had been on the Yonko's ship for a week and had gotten into a routine. Wake up, avoid Whitebeard's hugs, steal breakfast from Big Mom, train with Shanks, drink sake, nap. It was peaceful, and Zoro liked it. Little did he know that King Nami knew where he was and was plotting to kill him. How did Nami know where he was? Simple. Shank's stupidity. He wrote a letter to Queen Luffy.

{-}

"BWAHAHAHA! Now _I_, King Nami have the most silky smooth hair in the whole Kingdom now that Princess Zoro is dead!"

"Zoro's not dead." Nami swiftly turned to her husband who was calmly chewing on a piece of meat.

"WHAT. .JUST. SAY?"

"Zoro's not dead." He held up a lpiece of paper he'd just een reading. "Shanks sent me a letter~! Zoro's with him and Whitebeard!"

"LET ME SEE THAT!" She snatched the letter from Luffy's hands and scanned it. As she read, the vein in her forehead bulged. "He's alive. I AM GOING TO _MURDER_ THAT IDIOTIC COOK!" Nami threw the paper down and began to stomp on it "_AND_ THAT STUPID PRINCESS ZORO!" Luffy began to pout.

"Naa-aami," he whined "you're ruining my letter!" Nami stopped stomping, and slowly turned around to look at her husband, a murderous glint in her eye. Now, I'm not going to tell you what happened next, because it is too violent, 'kay?

{-}

Nami wiped the blood off her hands. No, I just told you I'm not saying what happened to Luffy!

Anyhow, after her hands were all clean she went to Franky's workshop.

"HEY FRANKY! MAKE ME A POISONED APPLE!" The blue-haired cyborg stopped what he was doing and struck a _suppah! _pose

" Okay! One SUPPAH poison apple coming right up!" The apple was ready within minutes. She snatched it from Franky's hand and left the castle

"MIRAGE TEMPO!" With a wave of her clima-tact , the King was transformed into an ugly old hag. After muttering "That little bastard is _so_ dead", she set off to make sure she, King Nami, would have _the_ silkiest smooth hair in the entire kingdom.

{-}

Zoro was on the ship's deck training when the creepy old lady appeared. He'd ignored her, until she climbed onboard and began to talk to him

"Eat the apple." She held out an apple, its peel an unaturally bright red.

"No"

"It's free."

"I don't want it"

"Why not?"

"Ever heard of 'don't take candy from strangers'?"

"It's an _apple."_

"Same thing."

"Just eat the damned apple!"

"I _do not want_ the fucking apple!"

"**EAT THE APPLE OR ELSE!"**

"FINE." He grabbed the apple, took a bite, and promptly keeled over, dead.

THE END

I'm kidding, I'm kidding! You should've seen the look on your face, it was **hilarious**.

Princess Zoro grabbed the apple, took a bite, and keeled over.

"BWAHAHAHAHA! NOW I HAVE THE SILKIEST SMOOTH HAIR IN THE ENTIRE KINGDOM!" King Nami would have stayed and gloated some more but she heard someone coming, so she ran off. It was Shanks, looking for his new favorite drinking buddy.

"Zoro! I got sake!" He saw Zoro lying on the ground and poked him with his foot. "Wake up!"

Zoro did not wake up. Shanks then saw the apple, and reached the logical conclusion.

"AAH! THE APPLE KILLED ZORO!" He grabbed his sword and began to slash the apple "DIE APPLE, DIE!"

Whitebeard of course came to the deck to see why Shanks was yelling about apples. Big Mom came too, mainly because apples= food.

"What are you yelling about Shanks?"

"THE APPLE KILLED ZORO!"

". . . I'm sure he's just napping as always."

"NO! THE APPLE KILLED HIM! HE WON'T WAKE UP!"

"What apple?" Big Mom had finally put her two berri in. You see, Shank's frantic slashing had reduced the apple to apple sauce, which blended in pretty well with the wooden deck. Shanks looked around.

"AAH! IT TELEPORTED!" While Shanks freaked out about the apple's "disappearance" Whitebeard had decided to do something useful, and check Zoro's pulse to make sure the Princess wasn't dead.

"There's no pulse. He really is dead."

"SEE! THE APPLE KILLED HIM!"

**A/N Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I do not own One Piece.**

Princess Zoro's funeral was packed. All the seats, except for the ones in the front row were filled. They were empty because if the dead guy turns into a zombie you want to be as far away as possible when he goes looking for brains, obviously. Franky was there, and so was Robin the witch, and Chopper the doctor, and Brook the minstrel, and Vivi the princess, and a bunch of other people. Sanji wasn't there though. King Nami had thrown him to the Okamas.

The only people not crying were King Nami, who was bragging about her silky smooth hair, and Ace, who'd fallen asleep.

"Sorry we're late." Smoker, ruler of the neighboring kingdom had arrived along with his daughter Prince Tashigi. Nobody really liked them, but they had still been invited to the funeral. Because they were late, they had to sit at the very front. One thing before I continue, Tashigi's a klutz. As Tashigi approached the coffin she tripped. How would I know what she tripped over? Probably her own feet. She knocked over the coffin and landed on Princess Zoro. Their lips met and . . .

"GET THE HELL OFF ME!" Princess Zoro had woken up! Whether this was because the apple had been knocked out of his throat or he received "True Love's First Kiss" I don't know. Everyone was dumbfounded when Zoro yelled. For a few minutes they just sat there. Then they began to shout.

"OH MY ODA, ITS A ZOMBIE! RUN AWAY!"

_ "ZORO! _YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"_THE POISON APPLE WAS SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM, NOT PUT HIM IN A COMA FRANKY!"_

_ "_AWW, _SUPPAH! _TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL, EVEN DEATH ITSELF!"

"WHAT?"

"WAIT, KING NAMI POISONED ZORO? _GET HER_!"

"_SHIT!_"

So Shanks chased King Nami around waving his sword, and almost decapitating Ace (who was still asleep). They'd circled the funeral about three times before King Smoker grabbed them with his magical smoke powers. Yes, Smoker had magical smoke powers, now stop interrupting.

"Damn it stop! And would someone care to explain _what the hell is going on!_"

"She poisoned Zoro" Shanks said, pointing at Nami

"Why?"

" He has the softest hair in the kingdom! It's not fair, I'm a girl, I should have softer hair!"

"That's it?" Nami nodded.

"One solution then. HEY LUFFY!" the Quen perked up as he heard his name called "Your wife wants Zoro out of the kingdom, How about he marries my daughter and comes live in my kingdom?"

"WHAT?"

"Shishishishi, great idea Smokey!"

"_I DON'T WANT TO MARRY HER!"_

_ "I DON'T WANT TO MARRY HIM!"_

"Too bad, you're getting married,"

{-}

So, Prince Tashigi and Princess Zoro got married and lived in King Smoker's kingdom. Franky fixed Usopp, Sanji escaped the okamas in time for the wedding, Ace _finally_ woke up, Nami finally had the silkiest smooth hair in the entire kingdom. Everyone lived happily ever after,

THE END,

**A/N Finally done! Thank you to all the wonderful, wonderful people who reviewed, you guys put a huge smile on my face. I hope you liked the chapter, please review**


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